Too fresh to fade

It’s not loneliness. May be it’s just my unaided pile of desolate emotions. I don’t know…….sometimes it’s just the thoughts in my head that are so loud that I can barely hear the noise of ¬†the world around me. IMG-20190913-WA0044

Silence has a voice too- very few can hear it. I listen to it. There is laughter. There is tantrum. Anxiety. Pain. Separation. Every time I walk into my thoughts, glimpses of those memories play hide ‘n’ seek with my reality.

The morning alarm goes off. It is yet another day. I get ready for work, eat breakfast, avail the affordable commute, sign in to work. As I sit in my cubicle, the world around me is a big blur. Sure I do participate on and off, but it’s all just a big pit of mindfulness and political dynamics that is just way too disturbing for an already disturbed mind of mine. The time seems to function way too fast. I’m never able to catch it. A little less respectful, a little less polite. Indifference, may be that’s the word. May be it’s just a phase.

It’s every night when I close my eyes away from reality, I see even more clear…….IMG-20190911-WA0009

Days of being abused; not thrown but used.

The days I can’t undo……

May be it is not delusional to create illusions around myself. You see, people are always better in imagination. They make me believe in harmless possibilities. After all these years of growing up with violent memories and deep rooted mental scars, shifting in and out of reality in my head has become quite fluid. It not madness, its just another escape tool. Very much like listening to your current favorite single on loop.IMG-20190911-WA0015

To the world, I’m a regular adult. To me, I’m still hiding under the bed trying to get away from what is now, a dreadful memory too fresh to ever fade…….

“Coming out” as they say!

“It is always the fear that holds us back from a truly different life. I guess we judge too soon.” This is the story of a close one who came out recently. And it was a different kind of coming out than what we usually assume when we say that phrase.

Meeting yourself is hard. Speaking to yourself is harder. Introspection with the “I am” self is the hardest. Humans are born imperfect yet narcissistic. We accept both. Oh well, almost! Flaws are deep-rooted. That needs a lot of mind mapping to understand how it all started. And that’s exhausting. On the other hand, being narcissistic makes us feel under control. You create your own barriers by applauding the liabilities. To keep up with the time you pull down others. To keep up with the time there is a constant need of appreciation of one’s physical ego. Both times when we are flawed or narcissistic, we fear time. We fear realities. We fear change. Much to the inventions and discoveries that has advanced thoughts and erased some, one thing that sits in our mind is the fear. Fear of the known. Fear of the assumptions. Fear of going against the conditions and embracing your truth. Fear of being happy. The mask or the facade that we carry along us everywhere is like an airbag that helps us consciously avoid happiness. It is when we embrace the idea of self-appreciation and the exhaustion together, that we can “come out”.

“The problem with our society are not the conditions but the multiple interpretations and misinterpretations of the same. I have always struggled. I am a happy person, you know. My definition of being happy is something that does not fit these conditions of the society. I like smelling flowers. I love ballet. I definitely love shopping. Does that make me any less of a man? And it definitely does not make me a woman. Sadly, there are a lot of opinions about the way I talk, sit, even worse, the way I rest my hands when I stand!

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I have always been a family embarrassment¬†because I never took part in sports, I will appreciate my sister’s love for make up and a lot more that does not really follow the norms. I am a man who appreciates and is attracted to things which are considered feminine. And that is not something wrong. Ever. It took me a lot of courage to say that to myself and believe it. I mean I have always been comfortable in my skin minus the label. But I guess, it has been a constant struggle as well. A struggle between self-appreciation and an imposed identity. This is in fact, the best gift that I got myself in years.”

It was quite an eye-opening rather than just a chillout session that we planned!

The Dreams

I did not really have an ideal teenage. Like few other kids, I suffered the lack of love from both my parents. Mom said Dad was wrong and Dad said Mom was wrong…..you know what I mean. Plus the adolescent passage of life¬† was on its pioneer twist. The usual confusion of when to act mature or be the kid, the cyber addiction, the depression, body image, etc took their major turns in sabotaging the peace of my mind. Also, school was a different pressure. Having boyfriend was a cool thing. So I had to look out for one as well! I sound mad, do I? No, I do not. This is real life drama I’m talking about. Teenage was quite a task. PHEW!!

In the middle of this drama what I forgot was to not follow the crowd and take my childhood wishes seriously. I always wanted to play the violin. My dad used to play one. So may be it was kinda passed on to me. I always wanted to read a lot of books and write even more. I had a bucket list of doing things that as a child felt like a dream. As I grew up, the peace of mind was over shadowed with sometimes necessary and sometimes evil challenges. The Dreams felt far fetched and so was my peace.The book worm and the author in me spirit transferred with a couch potato. I started living my life in a virtual bubble of T.V. drama series to escape from the bad phase. Somehow I survived school.

University was another episode straight from the bratz block of pettiness! “Having fun” was like breathing. Going for the classes with a weekday hangover was considered the it thing. So was the urge for promising myself to be sober from the next weekend. Deep down I knew I was clearly not feeling good about myself. Amidst all the fun and fancy all I craved for was some silence where I could have a mindful rendezvous with myself. It was exhausting! And it’s been 5 years that I completed my degree, still I wonder why I was being so away from myself and The Dreams. I started blaming my parents for everything that went wrong. I witnessed their broken marriage, so I always felt insecure in matters of love relationships. I made mistakes and got into unnecessary attachments. I was mean and pathetic.

I always scored good marks my whole academic life, so I presumed job will be a piece of cake. Then came the reality slap.

Getting a job that loves you is not easy, people! It took me 5 years after my degree to actually figure out what kinda job would not make me regret the weekdays! So now that I found what I should have done all these years, I finally realized dreams of the childhood is something we all should hold on to. The mind then had zero knowledge of the planet. It was a clean slate. So the dreams were even clearer. As we grow up and the never ending tricky and sticky situations knock us down, we forget to get up. We forget the fact that we own our lives and the dreams in it. We own the time that we are born with. We either start racing towards the uncertain or just go with the flow. It was one helluva revelation that changed my perspective in a lot of things.

Think of those days when you used to make handmade cards for your mother, or you believed in Santa. Go back in time. Think of those things that filled your bucket list for the future when you were a kid. Those dreams were not influenced. Those dreams do not need a background mention. Think of the times when you were a kid and you wanted to achieve something when you grew up. If you are not being fair to yourself or that is a universe away reality, at least take some mindful time out of your schedule and focus may be, 10 minutes of your day on those things. May be you wanted to be a singer and now you have a sales job! So what? Dreams are not always money-friendly. These are here for you peaceful state of mind. Spend 10 minutes learning a new song everyday. Sing to yourself. You will have a happy good night sleep!